We know how important it is to a healthy marriage to spend one-on-one time with our spouse (see Rekindling the Romance). We also know how hard it is to manage an evening at home–just the two of you. Here are some tips for taking advantage of that rare opportunity by hosting an intimate evening that you’ll both remember.all the way until next time.

Anticipation

Plan the evening at least one week in advance. That will give you plenty of time to think, fantasize, and talk to your partner.

On the big day, give him a call on his cell phone or at the office. Let him know what you’ve been thinking about all week. Whether your phone call is explicit or subtle, it will get him thinking and fantasizing, too.

Clothing

Go shopping. If you are at home with the kids all day, order a new sexy outfit online. And even if you are absolutely certain that you know what your husband most wants to see you wear.ask him. Take him on a romp through the Frederick’s of Hollywood or the Victoria’s Secret catalog or online store. From vamp to cowgirl to girl-next-door, his ideas and fantasies might surprise you.

The Menu

Keep it light. Go easy on rich meats, cheese, sauces, and desserts, so that you are still feeling sexy after the meal. Plan a menu of fruits and vegetables. Try new spices, which can be exotic and erotic. Aromatherapy can help set the mood, as well. Damiana is said to be an arousing essential oil.

Aroma is closely linked to mood. Take your time as you eat to savor the aromas and the mood you have created. Candlelight creates a diffuse glow. Soft, soothing music only adds to the mood.

Strawberries with chocolate sauce make a perfect dessert. Light. Delicious. Sensuous and visually stimulating. You might want to move the final course into the bedroom.

A glass of wine or two can help lower your inhibitions and give you just the right frame of mind. Buy a pair of fine long-stemmed, wine glasses.something that makes you feel sexy as you hold the glass, massage the stem, and swirl the liquid inside.

Experiment

In her online article, “Food and Mood,” internationally renowned “sexologist” and author Ava Cadell suggests turning eating into a sensual ritual. Use what you have around the house for playful massage.ice, honey, whipped cream. Cadell’s article features an adventurous use of powdered gelatin.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

On-the-job clashes took the romance out of our relationship until talk of divorce scared us into separating business from pleasure.

Years ago, my husband, Lee and I decided to open our own hair-styling salon, allowing us more time together, plus permitting me space to write in my spare time. “It won’t work,” warned naysayers. We laughed. No way, Jose. Don’t rain on our parade!

Yet, we’d only begun to set up the salon when we began to tussle over details like where to hang mirrors and pricey vs, non-pricey furniture for the waiting area?

Then, the biggie . . . “Who’s the boss?” Lee’s bossiness didn’t set well with the new partner–me! And he didn’t know how to handle this new businesswoman wife who stood up to him. And Lordy, listening to his same old jokes all day. Needless to say, by the time we got home, we were barely civil to each other.

Despite that, our salon flourished. But-as business partners. We no longer felt like husband and wife. One day things got so heated that one of us blurted, “Let’s just go see a lawyer.”

The truth? Neither of us wanted a divorce. Just raising the issue inspired us to make changes that would save our marriage and business.

SIX STEPS TO MAKING IT WORK:

1. SET YOUR ROLES

Define your roles within the business, ones that you both agree that you can live with. In our case, we decided to not have an actual “boss.” Rather, we began to negotiate the how and whys of issues, coming to a solution we both approved. Compromise was an ongoing exercise.

2. TIME APART

Once we realized what was happening, we agreed upon taking separate days off and when free, each taking time out for a trip to the Supermarket or an hour at the golf driving range. That way, we weren’t constantly joined at the hip, thus reducing the probability for annoyance. It freed me from feeling “being watched” and it gave Lee the experience of trusting me to make wise decisions. He recognized the tiny strain of controller in himself and backed off. As a result, we began to look forward to and value our times together more.

3. COMPARTMENTALIZE

This was crucial in our marital/business relationship. When we left work, we started leaving it all behind. When we got home, we basked in our haven. We stopped talking shop at home. At work, we gave it our all. We were a team, reassuring one another during rough spots that “we’ll work it out.”

4. MUTUAL RESPECT

Immediately, we became business associates, requiring utmost respect for one another’s opinions and procedures. When necessary, we switched roles from that of “husband and wife” to that of “business partners,” and vice-versa. During business negotiations, this freed us from preconceived stereotypical spousal reactions.

5. SCHEDULE ROMANTIC DATES

During these dates, our policy was “no business talk.” We went all out, dressing up, babysitters, and even getaway weekends without the children. Other times, we did unique things with the children, like going to Dollywood at Christmas time, making “family time” special.

6. SCHEDULE REGULAR BUSINESS MEETINGS

These were necessary to redefine our roles (that we’d previously set) and clear the air of gripes that would build up during working hours. It also gave us the opportunity to give each other positive feedback and encouragement.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

My mother always said that the best parents are lazy parents. Her theory, as I understood it, was that lazy parents don’t jump up every time their kids need something so that children learn to entertain themselves, enjoy themselves, and become more independent. In couples, lazy parents, theoretically, have more time for each other because their children learn, maybe by the time they are 25, not to interrupt them when they are together. Of course, a lazy parent may also be too lazy to spend the time making the marriage work better. While I would never recommend neglecting a newborn in hopes of improving character, I am going to talk about ways to support your marriage that may substitute a tiny bit for time with your child. I am writing this as an antidote to all the literature on how to be the perfect parent. The current high standards for parenting lead to low standards for marriage. The irony is that having a healthy marriage is one of the greatest gifts for your children and yourself. While there are a few people that are so self-involved they shouldn’t have kids, that isn’t the majority of modern parents. Most couples need to keep kids from completely overwhelming the little love rituals and routines they once shared. Encouraging your child’s independence to create time for yourself and your partner is an art that can start very early and evolves with the ages and stages of your child.

Finding alone time: Even though finding time is challenging, parents need to continue to find a way to “park the kids” safely and turn toward each other. No matter how established the marriage, talk time remains critical to long-term happiness in the marriage. Many women have very clear rituals around talking to their children after school or at dinner that they are loath to interrupt. They can see how the kids deteriorate without this contact. Yet they have no such connection to their spouse and may not see the immediate impact of missing time with their partner.

When I first read about couples needing daily 15-20 minute talk times I was astounded. The very idea of having time to chat together, uninterrupted, seemed like a fairytale. One, not-too-happily-but-long-married friend of mine flatly told me regular talk time was impossible given real people’s hectic schedules. Although she could tell me when she talked to her own kids every day, she believed that real couples would need to find and agree on a new time each day. I thought to myself, if you are too busy to make a regular time to talk, wouldn’t you be much too busy to agree on a talk time every day?

When couples are courting, making time together to talk is given careful attention. Before you have children, the idea that you would lose your connection seems strange, even impossible. If you tell someone without kids that couples that actually talk 15 minutes a day are rare and special, they will think you are unrealistically pessimistic. However, married people with kids think you are special if you do talk 15 minutes regularly. Yet, in truth, I have met couples that snuggle in bed for 20 minutes after the alarm goes off, or have a cup of coffee or tea together after dinner, or always talk before or after a late night show. Or call each other at lunch. They are a lot happier. Their kids see themselves as safe from divorce. Couples, who connect routinely, see habitual time together as reassuring rather than rigid.

As soon as your kids are old enough, ask them to help support you in this time by not interrupting. Kids can understand that every Sunday morning is Mom and Dad’s time. Or the time before 7 am is off limits. They will respect it if you are consistent, especially if they understand they have a time each day that is theirs.

Creating uninterrupted time for each family dyad, even if it is once a week and not daily, develops the communication bond. Like parents, kids who get this brief daily one-on-one attention are easier to live with and experience a healthy relationship and connection to family. They will also support your time with each other more readily.

My friend Marni commented, “My kids love to see me get all dressed up on date night. They help me pick out my shoes and lipstick. I think it is great that they see the romance of getting ready for the date–even when they sometimes whine a little that they would like to come too. I like that they are fascinated by this other side of Mom and Dad that they don’t share.”

Likewise, I like that my kids know that Neil and I are going to talk over some family problem together before we set rules and consequences. Sometimes waiting to see the outcome of our meeting is nerve-wracking for the kids but as they wait they get to think over for themselves what we might decide about the issue. They know if we disagree, Neil gets the last word on issues relating to their athletics and I get the final vote on school matters. On money we use consensus decisions. Everybody has to say yes. We laugh because when we get in a heated exchange, one or the other child is likely to ask us to either go have a meeting or take a timeout, using our own advice on us. Watching us solve problems prepares them to participate in family meetings and solve problems themselves.

It’s never too late. Instituting agreed upon dates and ritual times for talk, sex and cuddling soon begins to change feelings of abandonment and erosion of love in a marriage. Fortunately, it is never too late to start your rituals even when the marriage feels dead or divorce looms. The habits, love rituals and positive experiences you create will either insulate your marriage from problems, or if absent, they will leave your marriage vulnerable to the natural erosion that the stress of negotiating many new needs that kids bring.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all started over something little and ridiculous! We are both adults, old enough to know better than this! He is a judge, I am a social worker! He won’t budge! I need help!
Jodie

The dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off. Horrible, isn’t it?

The most intense prayers in a household come during these silent treatments: “Oh God, I hope that’s not him/her pulling into the driveway.”

Or, “Oh God, when will he/she go upstairs already?”

Sometimes you feel like you could explode, right?

Most silent treatments start like Jodie’s started; with something “little and ridiculous.” Most couples can’t remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they’d be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin?

It’s interesting that Jodie made a point in her email to say that she and her husband “know better.” In other words, they’re intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie’s husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn’t make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that’s exactly the problem!

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they’re RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse’s conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts. And, ironically, the more intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them, because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty, the fact is that one reason they’re holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they’re intelligent. In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can’t be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

But in marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

Just because you’re “right/wrong” paradigm works at the office doesn’t mean that you should bring it home. “He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail.” Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another. In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use. The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don’t go for RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband are “intelligent,” they shouldn’t find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high IQ, doesn’t mean they have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what’s “right.”

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people and succeed in relationships.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so do many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband’s ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed. Anyone can increase their EQ and learn to make their marriage RIGHT.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Blokes with beer bellies can relax. A new survey has revealed that women find manly men complete with hairy chests, messy hair and a beer belly. The study, which was carried out by Lion Bar ice cream, found that eight out of 10 females no longer go for the tall, slim, feminine look.

Instead they prefer “real men” like James Bond actor Daniel Craig, reports The Daily Express .

The study of more than 5,000 women also found that only one in five preferred a metrosexual man.

In further good news for males, the study found 10 per cent liked the smell of beer on their men. One in 10 did not mind their partners having “moobs”, the nickname for “man boobs”, and a fifth found “a bit of body odour” appealing.

However, the biggest turn-offs were men straightening their hair, drinking cocktails by the pool, wearing sarongs and sunbathing all day on holiday.

A spokesman for Lion Bar ice cream said yesterday: “This is great news for real men this summer. They can get their roar back and ditch the moisturiser, manicures and tight shorts.

“British blokes can also wear their Speedos with pride, even if they have a bit of belly, and welcome the wolf whistles as they walk down the beach with pride.”

Relationship expert Peter Spalton, said: “The metrosexual look has gone too far and that has contributed to turning women off. Women like to be treated like women. They don’t want to compete with a man for that territory.”

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

ARTICLE FROM MarriedRomance.com

It’s normal that spouses harbor different opinions on a variety of subjects. The two maroon shirts I occasionally wear-and love-are regarded by my wife as particularly ugly. As she’s kind enough to humor me on this matter, it’s only fitting that I don’t openly criticize the TV melodrama she chooses to view at 9 o’clock every Thursday night. Although we seldom bicker over things, at times our respective differences, particularly on the matter of money, are clearly stated. And this is as it should be, for income and expenditures are at the heart of any partnership, family as well as business. With that said, it’s my belief that there are five basic issues in which both spouses must be in firm accord. These represent the most prevalent omissions and commissions that lead to untold grief for many couples.

1. If I should die before I wake. As a very first consideration, every family provider must arrange financially for his or her survivors in the event of untimely death, meaning the spouse and all minor offspring. A common way to accomplish this is with a life insurance policy. This is where controversy arises, for there exists an industry devoted to selling products that minimize death benefits while maximizing profits for its marketers. Regardless of sales pitches to the contrary, you want an inexpensive and unadorned 20- or 30-year level benefit term policy, of sufficient face value (normally no less than ten times the insured’s annual income), from an insurer with an A.M. Best rating of A+ or A++. Once the company is chosen and the face amount of the policy is determined, neither husband nor wife should question the wisdom of the periodic premium outlay.

2. The minimum payment is a road to disaster. No single implement has lead to greater misery for more families than the credit card. Over the past couple of generations it has been promoted in a way to financially destroy the unsophisticated user. It’s my belief that a credit card should serve a single purpose: a convenience when neither cash nor check is readily available. Purchases should only be made in a manner that the account balance is paid in full each month before any interest can be charged. Both spouses must conduct their lives by this rule. If either cannot do so, all credit cards should be destroyed with members of the family adjusting their lives accordingly.

3. All hail the horseless carriage. With the exception of hearth and home, the motor vehicle constitutes the typical American’s single most important fixation. No other product is more forcefully marketed, and far too many people succumb to its allure, forfeiting a substantial portion of disposable income. I’ll put it bluntly: No one should drive a vehicle that is financed or leased. You should acquire your transportation 100% cash on the barrelhead, even if it means you drive a 1984 Toyota Corolla. Each spouse should enthusiastically embrace this concept. At a later date, when your fortune is deservedly secure, you may feel free to sport brand new matching Rolls Royces-but again, devoid of any financing.

4. Education doesn’t make you smart-merely educated. Too many dollars that go toward tuition and ancillary expenses are wasted. The educational establishment has convinced the nation that post secondary schooling must appear prestigious and be costly. The result is that untold numbers of college graduates and their parents are in hock big time, some never to emerge from debt. What a waste! I advocate college-on-the-cheap, with the freshman and sophomore years spent at a community college, commuting from home, and the junior and senior years at a reasonably priced local state university. For a bright and diligent student, the education received is as good as four years at Harvard. Both spouses should be in accord on this principle. The finest gift a parent can give an offspring is the assurance that child will never need to support an indigent parent.

5. It’s never too soon to plan for the future. A most repeated statement of persons in their late 50’s and beyond is: “I never thought I’d get here this soon.” It’s for this reason that a wise couple will plan for their retirement at the earliest age. There must be no question that retirement accounts, whether they be IRAs, 401(k)s, or other private programs, be established, and funded, from the earliest working days. In addition, funding should continue year after year, as though future wellbeing depends upon the assets accumulated-for indeed, it does. It is true, of course, that regular allocation of meaningful sums toward retirement reduces what is available for current luxuries. This is where mutual resolve, together with a healthy dose of discipline, is vital. Above all, neither spouse should undermine the efforts necessary to insure that retirement years will truly be a period of prosperity, free from the financial worries in which the majority of citizens are immersed. I’ve long contended that the benefits of wealth only intensify with the passing years.

Let me sum things up: It’s been said, and rightly so, that personal satisfaction and financial contentment is not dependent as much upon the amount of income earned, as the way in which that income is used. It should surprise no one that the marketing of services and products is now the most pervasive industry in the world, employing highly effective methods to create demands for goods of all sorts. The social and psychological pressures brought to bear on prospective customers are more than many persons can resist. If you hope to prosper, it’s vital that you avoid the impulse to purchase unwisely. As pleasing as childish illusions may be, they invariably lead to disappointment. Keep this constantly in mind as you conduct your financial affairs.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

ARTICLE FROM LOVE and life
Love comes in all forms, including friendship. What should best friends do?

Friends come and go, but later, they’ll come again. You’ve just got to admit it; there are times when you need your friends, more than your family. It’s pretty complicated actually but even if the truth hurts or disappoint you, you just have to accept it. There are things you can’t do with your family but you’re able to do so with your friends and vice versa. That’s how things go, that circumscribed friendship. But if you’re able to perceive this freely, you won’t have to experience severe heartbreak with friend’s related problems.

Remember, your friends are people too, and they are a bunch of people with their own families and worries. So, don’t blame them when they can’t be there ALL the time, even if they are your best friends. But a good friend will always offer you their sympathy and care even if they can’t physically be there beside you. They’ll give you a short phone call at least, even when they’re really busy. But when they don’t, your best bet is to assume they’re just as stressed as you are.

Your friends have feelings too. They get jealous, angry, heartbroken and even moody sometimes. There are even best friends who backstabbed one another, quarrel and fight over things. But only to see yourself finding way back to each other. You’re pretty used to this you say and it’ll be lonely and incomplete without those fights. Because you know what, friends should forgive and forget. Even though it starts on a new loop its fine because accepting them, should be on the bad and the good sides.

Yes, a friend can hurt you. Because we can’t read each others mind. So one thing you can do is to say sorry often for your invisible sins and misbehaviors towards your friend. That should be able to set the alarm in their mind, and it’s perfectly applicable in cases of the ugly truths being said and will be said in the future.

If you’re expecting trust from your best friends, you can, partially because no one’s perfect. And even if the dishonesty revealed made you fall, expect them to be the one to bring you up again. If they’re a real good friend, they will support you standing back up again, and later put the smile back on your face. The world is not a setting of fairy tales. They’ll be sad moments and happy moments, and so it goes with your best friend. That’s love and friendship for everyone – the truth everyone has to learn to accept.

Don’t worry, be happy!

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

ARTICLE FROM ASKMEN.COM

Despite what you might be thinking as a single guy, women do want to date you. In fact, they want to date you so much that they often go against their better judgment and overlook things to cut you some slack.

It might be your fondness for T-shirts that came with your last case of beer or a habit of quoting The Simpsons, but whatever your quirks are, trust us: the girls you are dating notice and are trying their best to see your better qualities.

Unfortunately, for every one of those special-to-you oddities that a woman is going to deal with on a case-by-case basis, there are definitely near-universal red flags women look for when sizing you up, especially on a first date. Obviously, you’ve all learned to be polite to the waitress, but there’s more to these red flags women look for than the basics of gentlemanly behavior.

Read on for a rundown of red flags women look for and count against you.

1- Not taking “no” for an answer
Women are very aware of their own independence, and will be quick to get out of a situation when they feel that their decision-making isn’t being respected. You might think that encouraging her to have desert after she’s said “no” is showing that you want her to indulge, but what she’s hearing is that you aren’t taking her “no” for what it is — a choice she’s already made and is justified in sticking to. This is one of the red flags women look for because it can lead to more serious control issues.

2- Bad-mouthing others
Men often mistakenly regard women as gossip-mongers out to cut one another down, which could lead you to believe that you can do the same. Of course, joking about the time you and your buddies made fools of yourselves over spring break is fine, but a woman won’t be impressed when you dish dirt on coworkers, family or friends, or criticize those close to you. Bad-mouthing others is one of our red flags women look for because the lack of loyalty that comes through with this type of gesture will only leave her wondering if she’s your next victim.

3- Holiday aversion
For the most part, women are the holiday-keepers in society and grow up being involved in the preparation and buildup for both major holidays and family-specific traditions. While you don’t need to have a tacky Christmas sweater collection that puts Mr. Rogers to shame, professing your hatred of Valentine’s Day, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and so on will leave her wondering if you had a troubled childhood or are just too morose or cheap to celebrate. Women like to be spoiled on special occasions, which is why holiday aversions is one of the more important red flags women look for.

4- Ambition deficiency
Few women will hold your filler job as a waiter against you. In general, women respect a working man in many shapes and sizes, but there is one magic ingredient that must be present to earn her respect: Being proud of your job or the steps you’re taking to get to where you want to be are attractive qualities. Consequently, slackers on the bottom rung that cross their fingers that they’ll never get promoted so that they never have responsibility are not. Upward mobility is what women want in their men, which is why this is a biggy among the red flags women look for.

5- Neglectful behavior
Everyone has heard the word chivalry, and any man of dating age should be well-versed in the basics of being a gentleman, but a quick refresher can’t hurt. When out on your first date with a new woman, you need to show her that you appreciate the time you have both set aside for each other. To show this appreciation, the cell phone needs to be turned off, introductions need to be made if you run into anyone you know and conversation needs to be polite and mutual.

Don’t wave a red flag
Everyone thinks of first dates, and dating in general, in different ways, usually with some kind of sporting analogy. There is some merit to playing the game; you just need to make sure that you’re following rules that will keep you from throwing out any of the red flags women look for that might end the game before you even take the field. There are some things that a woman can’t or won’t overlook, no matter how many other great and wonderful things you have going for you. Let the games begin.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites