Ah yes, at the end of the year it’s certainly tempting to look back with fondness at the more memorable movies (’Up’ or ‘Anvil! The Story of Anvil’) of the past 365 days. No one wants to pick the scab of box office disappointments, adventures in stupidity and paeans to the craptastic, do they? Oh, actually, we do. Here are the top 10 movies we were eagerly anticipating, only to have them dash our expectations upon the rocks of cinematic suckage.

‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen‘

Okay, we don’t expect a lot from this franchise beyond cool CGI smash-’em-up robots, Megan Fox in a tank top and, um, did we mention the smash-’em-up robots? But even going in with admittedly low standards, we were awestruck at just how stinky this stinker really was. You wouldn’t expect to have problems following the plot of a movie about robots, and yet this story was so clearly stuck together after director Michael Bay came up with his ideas for what would look cool to blow up and stomp on we kinda wish he’d done what he obviously wanted to do — just shoot images of cool stuff getting smashed with the occasional shot of Fox leaning over. At least then we wouldn’t have had to watch her “act.”

‘The Lovely Bones’

Admittedly, everyone knew the book by Alice Sebold would be tough to adapt. Starting off with the grisly rape and murder of a 14-year-old girl, the best-seller wasn’t exactly summer blockbuster material. But who better to take on such dark subject matter than director Peter Jackson? While guys might know him for ‘The Lord of the Rings,’ indie film fans still can’t shake their memories of ‘Heavenly Creatures,’ the searing based-on-a-true-story drama about two murderous teenage girls. But instead of tackling the tough stuff in ‘Bones,’ Jackson sidesteps the trauma, admitting that he wanted to make a movie his teenage daughter could see. Huh? No wonder ‘The New Yorker’ called the end result “redundant and undramatic.”

‘The Invention of Lying’

On the small screen, Ricky Gervais can do no wrong. He created ‘The Office’ and ‘Extras,’ for crying out loud. And, even though ‘Ghost Town’ was so-so at best, we still had high hopes that Gervais would be able to bring his sharp-edged wit to this comedy about a world in which everyone is unflinchingly honest. After all, the trailer, featuring Jennifer Garner as Gervais’ deeply disappointed blind date, was screamingly funny. And so were the first 15 minutes of the movie. Unfortunately, the film kept ambling predictably along, getting cuddlier with every passing minute. While Gervais seems happy to make us squirm watching the foibles of his flawed characters on TV, on the big screen he seems incapable of coming across as anything other than a pretty nice guy. And if that’s what we wanted, we’d rent a Tim Allen movie.

‘Did You Hear About The Morgans?’

Every romantic comedy junkie knows that Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker are possibly the king and queen of the genre. Too bad that they go together about as well as a tuna and chocolate sandwich. Still, even the cutest couple would be hard pressed to save what has to be one of the corniest concepts around — two urbanites on the brink of divorce are forced to relocate to Wyoming after witnessing a murder and — gollllleeee! — don’t they just patch things up real nice after being exposed to the wide open spaces and abundant mayonnaise? Darn tootin’! Insulting to the flyover states and perfectly predictable, we certainly wish we’d never heard about ‘The Morgans.’

‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’

Hugh Jackman works the extra-long sideburns and wife-beater T-shirt better than anyone we know. And Liev Schreiber as his resentful half-brother? Perfection. But origin stories are often a suspense-free snore, and this one lacks the character development that’s usually the bonus for sitting through a movie in which we know Wolverine will turn out just fine. Instead, we get lots of pointless action scenes and a jarring ending featuring appearances by X-Men Cyclops and Sabretooth — but played by other actors than James Marsden and Tyler Mane. Call it revisionist pre-history, but we could have waited for this one on cable.

‘Land of the Lost’

Sometimes great remakes can come from pretty crappy source material (’Oceans Eleven,’ anyone?). This would not be one of those. The 1974 TV series was a gleefully silly adventure in low-budget Saturday morning entertainment for kids. The resulting movie is … well, a mess. Too bawdy for kids, too silly for adults, it’s a weird mishmash of ‘Chorus Line’ jokes (yeah, that’s one the kids are gonna get), dinosaurs and sexual aggressive prehistoric men. Will Ferrell, we expect better from you.

‘Public Enemies’

We’ll watch Johnny Depp and Christian Bale read the phone book any day, no problem. Too bad this movie looks like someone dipped it in coffee grounds, left it out to dry and then stomped on it a few times. We get the sepia tones, but the jarringly modern shaky camera thing just made us want to throw up. And then there’s the little issue of Dillinger being a guy who robs banks. Period. Even Depp couldn’t make this character more than a head-scratching one liner. If director Michael Mann wants us to sit quietly in our seats for 140 minutes, we need a little more to go on than that.

‘Whatever Works’

Sure, we’d about given up on Woody Allen making another good film until last year, when he surprised us by hitting a solid single with ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona.’ So yeah, we got our hopes up. After all, with king curmudgeon Larry David filling in as Allen’s cranky doppelganger this time around, ‘Works’ seemed like it just might, well, work. It doesn’t. It really, really doesn’t. Yet again, Allen has to skeeve us out with a May-December romance that borders on the puke-inducing (Evan Rachel Wood and Larry David? Ewww!), bore us with a hackneyed plot and suggest that anyone who doesn’t live in New York is a boob who’ll only blossom once he gets to Manhattan. Fail.

‘Where the Wild Things Are’

We love Spike Jonze. We love Maurice Sendak’s classic children’s book. We love Catherine Keener. We loved the amazing trailer, set to the Arcade Fire’s ‘Wake Up.’ There was no way we weren’t going to love this movie. And yet, we didn’t. Call us crazy, but we never pictured the Wild Things as having mental health problems. One is manic depressive, another is bitterly narcissistic, and let’s not even get into Things suffering from what seems to be post traumatic stress disorder. These Wild Things may look all crazy cuddly and fun, but let’s face it — each one is a big, stinking drag. Add to that the fact that Max is pretty much a mom-biting brat on screen and it’s hard not to want to bitch-slap Jonze and over-hyped collaborator Dave Eggers for ruining our childhood memories.

‘Bride Wars’

Sure, Kate Hudson has starred in an endless string of stinkers since ‘Almost Famous,’ but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love her a little. Put her head-to-head with Anne Hathaway (who wowed us last year with ‘Rachel Getting Married’), add bridezilla tension, and we’re thinking this could be a fun excuse to pack away some popcorn on a Saturday afternoon. But in truth, seeing two intelligent, successful best friends turn on each other like maniac preschoolers fighting over who gets the better Barbie is just depressing.

Honorable Mention: ‘Watchmen’

Actually, we kinda liked ‘Watchmen.’ But the truth was, we never expected anyone to bring Alan Moore’s brilliant graphic novels to the screen, much less live up to the source material, so our bar was set pretty low. And in truth, it’s a mixed bag. The movie gets bogged down in exposition, yet never delivers quite enough for viewers who haven’t read the comic series; it’s damn long (161 minutes) but, even so, too short for devoted fans; and it’s got at least one laughably bad love scene. It can also be argued that, taken out of its late ’80s setting, the movie no longer holds much of a political punch. Still, even a deeply flawed ‘Watchmen’ was better than most of the stuff clogging up the cineplex, so we’ll just leave this one on the honorable mention list.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

At this time last year, I was proudly tasked with chronicling 2008’s finest moments in “big-screen mayhem, violence, destruction and other such shenanigans.” I’ve still opted to sort these sequences out by specific manner of cinematic excess, and I’ve swapped out a category for “Most Tasteless Slaughter” (think effectively restrained moments of off-screen violence) for “Most Ridiculous Action” (think the exact opposite of that).

As usual, your comments/suggestions are welcome, and as usual, we didn’t intentionally leave any titles off. Besides, if we went ahead and listed every single action or horror flick from 2009, what fun would that be?

Most pervasive destruction

The world really took a lickin’ at the movies this year. Knowing, 2012 and The Road all decided to subject everyone to an apocalyptic cataclysm (cultural losses ranged from The White House and the Las Vegas strip to Charlize Theron). On a smaller, funnier scale, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs proved to be a surprisingly adept send-up of disaster movies, A Town Called Panic brought a gonzo armageddon upon its stop-motion residents, and The Hangover demolished the Las Vegas strip in its own unique way. (Bonus points for working Mike Tyson’s pet tiger in there, fellas.)

Pulpiest carnage

Liam Neeson didn’t let a PG-13 rating get in his way as he single-handedly took apart the thugs of Paris in Taken, a head in a microwave was a creative (if cheap) note on which to end the Last House on the Left remake, Zombieland had very few zombies to show during its second act before paying off like gangbusters with its amusement-park climax, and Ninja Assassin admittedly didn’t skimp on its flagrantly fake bloodshed. The MVPs, though? Those Inglourious Basterds, for taking out a theater full of Nazis (Hitler included) between scalpings.

Best bloodless battles

Okay, this beat remains for the kiddies. Monsters vs. Aliens’ mid-movie melee at the Golden Gate Bridge is still eye-popping and exciting, even at home in 2-D, and Where the Wild Things Are’s dirt clod fight was both amusing and sentimental.

Most ridiculous action

Did you hear the one about the priest (Ewan McGregor) who took the anti-matter bomb up in a helicopter above Vatican City and then parachuted to safety (Angels & Demons)? How about the fight between the gypsy and the girl armed with office supplies in Drag Me to Hell? In Law Abiding Citizen, a cell phone took a woman’s head clean off, while in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, ice defied logic and sunk instead of floating (though by that point in the flick, we’d already had that pretty fun and wholly silly chase towards the Eiffel Tower). Last but not least would be Avatar, and since most people haven’t had a chance to see it yet, let me just say this: why would anyone have a knife that big?

Most beautiful death

In terms of specific death scenes, I’d go with either Rorschach’s angry demise in Watchmen or John Dillinger’s fateful exit in Public Enemies. In terms of classy excitement, it’s hard to deny that The International’s awesome shootout would be a little less cool if set anywhere besides the Guggenheim. The setting practically makes the sequence itself a work of art.

Too close for comfort

This one’s a three-way tie, between Donkey Punch’s flare to the chest (or even the titular punch to the head that kicks things off), Orphan’s knife to a young boy’s groin (held but what we think is a young girl, and creepier for it), or The Collector’s floor full of bear traps bit (maybe not practical, but certainly gruesome). Addendum: I won’t be adding every comment to the post, but I just can’t forgive myself for overlooking Antichrist’s gruesome groin antics. Let chaos reign once more.

Funniest shenanigans

Has it really been almost a year since we got to see a nude bimbo and a short-of-stature hotel manager get terrorized in 3-D by a pick-axe-wielding maniac in My Bloody Valentine? Ah, those were the days. A bit less intentional was the laughable notion in Push that thugs able to scream loud enough to blow up fish was the stuff money shots were made of. More shocking was the flasher’s fate in Observe and Report (I was totally agape on first viewing; Weinberg can attest to this), and nearly as hilarious was the very first time Wikus popped somebody with his alien weaponry in District 9 (and do I mean popped).

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

The main reason she does not call you back probably because you are doing something that doesn’t agree with her. You may be coming at the whole relationship from the traditional or according behavior, and this may be leading her to just drop you as soon a she can.

She has other men on hand who are ready to do many things for her and all she has to do is ask them. They will drive her around, fill her stomach, even by her things and all they get in return is a kiss on the cheek or a hug.

And all of that is if she wants to keep you around as one of her boy girlfriends. You will be categorized just like all of her other friends if you are even so lucky. All of this is stemming from the wrong frame of relationship in the first place.

It does not mean that you are the problem, you just have to meet her more on her terms and what she expects of a relationship. When you start courting her, she knows that she has the power anyways especially because of the actions you do to buy her attention.

This is really boring to her and she will often just not return your calls even if you are a nice guy with a lot to offer; purely because of the relationship approach that you took.

Dating dynamics have changed in our modern society. Being really traditional and expecting a woman to be interested in you when you take this approach which used to work ( but remember times have changed), is full of all kinds of expectations and is often too much pressure for her to handle even if you are a great catch. This is really why millions of American women are dumping great guys every day all over.

On the other hand, if you are starting the frame of the relationship on a different matter which may be more closer towards an accelerated mating process of attraction, there will be a lot less pressure when done correctly because the entire dynamics are naturally based and without heavy consequence.

When you take a woman out on a date she all of a sudden now senses she is obligated to do something in return because you have paid for her attention. Usually this is just letting you kiss her on the hand or a hug, and because she does not want to deal with all of the pressure of you following her around after she might decide to let you sleep with her.

As in the movie Swingers, when Mikey gets a girl’s number at the bar and then calls her immediately when he gets home, he is just oozing interest and a high level of expectation. This is a lot of pressure especially for a beautiful woman because she does not know if or when she will be able to get rid of you if she takes things further with you. This is the explanation of why most women will call you back.

They’re all also other reasons why she finally just isn’t interested in you any more due to her social persona or whatever. If you are in a 50-50 relationship she may resent that you have given her most of the power; this is how two of my American x-girlfriends have broken up with me; I led them just go ahead and have the power in the relationship with me just kind of going along with things.

And this led to the relationship’s demise. Usually sooner or later she will lose interest in you if she can not be naturally attracted to you or if the power shifts too much in her favor.

One of the main reason traditional relationships stay together is because a man is being a man and a woman is being a traditional woman. Because of the essential role reversal that is now pervasive in our society everything has gotten confused.

There is going to be drama in any type of long-term relationship with an independent and especially beautiful woman. The chance that she will give up a lot of her freedom and newfound rights to be more like her traditional counterpart throughout the rest of the world, is very slim.

The inability for her to give up a lot of her freedoms and play her more biological role of just being a mother leads to nagging, the gene, griping that many American married men will tell you about (especially if they are divorced).

I do not want to give relationship advice for men in 50-50 relationships with women, because I do not deal with that kind of drama in my life. You will find that if you can just be a man and living your reality, you will attract women to you who will want to stay around you and you will not have to question why she is not calling you because you will be calling you more often than you will be calling her.

This is really the way it is supposed to be. She is the one who is supposed to be hanging by you and that’s what she wants to do despite what feminists say. Just look at women who are around men; they will often choose men who are not nice guys now and they will be calling them.

If you can just be a natural or a man that creates attraction and desire within women, you will have them calling you a lot more often and you will not be wondering why no one ever calls. Hey I’ve gone through it in the past as well with American women.

It is his energy of essentially giving her the power and choice in the relationship which she ultimately resents it will not call you back for; in that sense some things have never changed. Women are still women beneath their hard edged socially developed exterior.

If you want to learn how to have women calling you, then make sure you check out my ultimate resource ‘Mens Guide to Women’. If she can just be around a man who is 100 comfortable around her without letting her perceived socially acceptable appearance get in the way, she will be magnetically attracted to you.

There is a lot of leverage that is giving her this power that is already natural anyways. It is up to you to take advantage of this to give both you and her what you are looking for. This is the opposite of how Mikey reacted after he got back from the club.

In fact in a movie you will notice that his ex-girlfriend finally called him back when he officially let her go by taking the other call from his new girlfriend. This is not too far from the truth of reality.

Somehow women just know (as in the opening sequence of the movie). He was emotionally hanging on to her for too long, giving her the power in the relationship; this is not the biological order, he was being a wussy.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

“Why isn’t she with you?” “She left.” “Why?” “There were so many reasons.” “There were not so many reasons. There was only one. You made yourself too available.”

-From JOURNEY TO IXTLAN: THE LESSONS OF DON JUAN by Carlos Castaneda.

The characters in the above scenario are men, but women often make themselves too available in relationships, as well. The consequences are usually disastrous.

Hey, we tell ourselves, I like the guy. He might be the one! Can’t let him slip through my fingers! So, we stay home and wedge the last bit of peanut butter from the jar for dinner. Can’t run out for real food and risk missing his call!

When he does call, we move heaven and earth to hang out with him. So what if we had plans to go out with friends on Friday night? Cancel! So what if we had a dentist appointment when he called at the last minute about having football tickets. Cancel! Hey, these things aren’t important, right?

Wrong!

When you cancel prior agreements to be with a guy, you’re pretty much canceling your life. Deep down, you don’t feel good about it (your friends and dentist don’t feel good about it, either). You’re also telling the guy that you can’t live without him.

And that lowers your stock.

Let’s turn the tables: Would you really want some a guy who cancels plans with his friends to be with you? Who calls you three times a day? Who treats you like you’re his one and only shot at happiness?

No, you wouldn’t. Regardless of his education, salary, sense of humor, and great looks, you’d stop respecting him. Any attraction you once felt for him would die a quick and sudden death.

You’d dump him and look for a guy who has a life.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I don’t advocate playing games. If a man calls you, you answer the phone. If he leaves a message, you call him back. But if he calls you at 7:30PM on Friday to go to a football game on Saturday, I’d think twice about it.

In other words, don’t let yourself be taken for granted.

My mother told me of a rule she had when she was dating: She’d never say yes to a date for a weekend unless the guy asked her before Thursday. She explained that a man would figure she didn’t have much going on if she didn’t have plans by then. When she told me this, I thought it sounded contrived and stupid. But, as in most things, it turns out she was right.

Remember this: Everybody, man or woman, likes to win a prize. Being available, but not too-available, makes you a prize.

As time goes on and your relationship with a guy becomes serious, it’s important to keep up your hobbies, continue to see your friends, and do all the things that make you who you are –things that don’t necessarily include him.

It makes you attractive. What’s more, you’ll like yourself more for it. Women who like themselves are especially desirable, sexy, and fun to be around.

Be that woman…

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

To become a professional in flirting isn’t so hard. You must follow this few rules, and every women or men can be your next partner.

According to the “the rules,” women sit by the phone waiting for men to call. Each woman then chooses a suitor to take her out on a date, or, eventually, to marry. I.e., the conventional wisdom is that “men court, then women choose.”

Reality is the opposite. Female monkeys initiate more than 80% of matings. In singles bars and at parties, women initiate two-thirds of flirting interactions.

Women who follow “the rules” and passively wait get the 20% of men that other women don’t want. I.e., they find that “the good ones are taken” by women who take an active role in courtship.

Instead, a woman should choose the man she wants to court her -”women choose, then men court.” E.g., the French romantic comedy Amélie charmed audiences with a young woman pursuing a young man-by making him pursue her.

Babysitting Lessons

I was asked to babysit a five-year-old girl and a three-year-old boy. The children didn’t know me. We went out in their backyard. The girl threw dirty water from their wading pool on me. I told her to stop. She threw mud on me.

I got the message. I went to the far corner of the backyard and played alone in the sandbox. Within a minute the boy came over. We played with the trucks, loading and unloading sand and pebbles, making truck sounds, but not talking. After ten minutes the girl came over. She didn’t want to play with trucks, but insisted that we play with her. We invented a game to play in the front yard, and played happily all afternoon.

Adult women act like the five-year-old girl. If an unfamiliar man approaches a woman, her reaction is, “I don’t know you. Go away. Leave me alone.”

For example, a woman came to our running club. I asked her questions on the run out-”Where are you from” “Where do you work,” etc. Her answers were monosyllabic. On the run back a woman asked her the same questions-and she happily chatted away, answering in long paragraphs.

Some women are friendly, easily talk to men, and right away make you feel that they genuinely like you. These women are all married, and always to great husbands. This suggests what the most important relationship skills are for women!

To get a shy woman to “open up” and become friendly, do something fun with other people. She’ll watch at first, and then want to join in. E.g., on the run, if I’d happily chatted with a group of men and women (instead of trying to talk to her alone), she would’ve wanted to join our discussion.

If you play softball, don’t interrupt a group of women talking, to ask one woman if she wants to practice catching pop-ups. Instead, hit pop-ups for another man to catch. Laugh and make it look fun. Sooner or later, you’ll notice a woman quietly watching you, waiting for an invitation. Invite her to join in.

Flirt with Everyone

Flirting is making a person feel good. Make eye contact, smile, compliment, and then make the person feel special.

Don’t limit your flirting to attractive, single persons of the opposite sex. Make everyone you meet feel good about themselves. Compliment old men, women pushing strollers in the park, the person behind you in the supermarket line, and your in-laws.

When you meet an attractive, single person of the opposite sex, you’ll feel more confident. The rest of the time you’ll make friends.

Don’t wait until you’re in love to start loving in your life. Don’t wait until you’re in love to practice being attentive, to practice giving.
— Barbara De Angelis, Coming Alive With Love (1985)

Begin with waiters and waitresses. If you say the wrong thing, leave a big tip.

Go out with a same-sex friend (e.g., a man goes out with a male friend). This makes it easier to flirt with two persons of the opposite sex (e.g., two women). After an interaction, discuss with your friend what you did right and wrong.

Peek-a-Boo

At a restaurant, catch the eye of a toddler. Then hide behind your menu. The kid will grin and excitedly play peek-a-boo with you.

Human brains are wired to play peek-a-boo. We love attention. Peek-a-boo is how we attract another person’s attention.

Spy thrillers are full of peek-a-boo games. We love it when a mild-mannered character removes his disguise and reveals himself as James Bond.

Play peek-a-boo to meet singles. Make eye contact from a distance, and then look away. Hide behind something or someone. Repeat the eye contact-then-hide cycle for several minutes.

Women play peek-a-boo more subtly than men. If you’re a man, don’t get discouraged if your object of desire seems to have only the slightest interest in you. If you’re a woman, don’t be too subtle. E.g., making eye contact via your compact’s mirror won’t register with most guys.

If you see two women or a group of women, or two men or a group of men, you can’t approach and start talking to one individual. Instead, write a note on your business card. Tip your server $20 to give your card to your object of desire. Your note should tell him or her to meet you in another room, out of sight of his or her companions, in five minutes.

“Speed Dating”

Nobody understands a damn word Deepak Chopra says, but it’s who he’s being that’s just kind of mesmerizing.
— Joel Roberts, KABC talk show host

7% of what an audience remembers about a talk show guest is his or her words. 93% of what they remember is what lawyers call demeanor. Psychologists call it affect. Actors call it attitude.

A Los Angeles group has made dating like talk shows. In “speed dating,” participants meet for seven minutes. Then a bell rings, and they move to the next numbered table. In ninety minutes, each participant gets seven speed dates. About 50% of participants get a real date afterwards.

“Speed dating” may sound harsh, but it’s what everyone does. Communicating “the real you” in seven minutes or less isn’t possible via verbal communication alone. Communicate via your clothes, body language, eyes, and voice.

Compliments

Giving compliments costs you nothing, and wins friends.

Compliment the person’s smile. Then smile. This will make the person smile. You’ll look more attractive when you smile. Smiling will make the other person feel happy.

Compliment the person’s eyes. This reminds you to make eye contact. Look into the person’s eyes long enough to mentally note his or her eye color.

Compliment the person’s name. This help you remember the person’s name. Associate the person’s name with an interesting fact, e.g., ask how his or her name is spelled (e.g., Rebecca vs. Rebekah), the ethnic origin, or the meaning of the name. Ask if the person is related to a celebrity with the same last name. Read a history of your area to learn the names of local heroes and historical figures.

Compare the person to a celebrity. But make sure the celebrity is physically attractive, and the right age. Don’t tell a woman that she reminds you of Ally McBeal, or tell a man under sixty that he reminds you of Sean Connery.

Avoid compliments about things you’re competing on. Avoid compliments that put yourself down. E.g., you lose a tennis game. Don’t say, “Your serve is strong! I could never serve as well as you.” This puts the person in a difficult position. If he insists that your serve is good, he’s impolitely rejecting your compliment. If he accepts your compliment, he’s impolitely agreeing that you’ll never serve well.

The best, most difficult compliment is to compliment what embarrasses the person. E.g., if a well-dressed woman is driving a beat-up old car, say that she looks like a woman that blues musicians write songs about. Then improvise a blues song about her beautiful looks and her clunker car. The person feels embarrassment when you point out a fault. Then he or she feels good when you say that the fault is attractive.

Lastly, listen for extraordinary things people have done, then reflect this back to them. This is a listening skill, not a talking skill. Everyone thinks that their lives are ordinary. E.g., a man who flies jet fighters thinks of himself as an ordinary fighter pilot.

Transition Points

People are open to new relationships when they’re at transition points. Transition points include:

• Starting college.
• Moving to a new city.
• Starting a new job.
• Moving to a new apartment.
• Buying a new car.

Getting out of prison is a transition point. I live across the street from a corrections halfway house, full of beautiful young felonious women. I’ve resisted the temptation to go over and casually ask, “So, when do you get out?”

Transition points make people less critical of each other. E.g., a woman has graduated from college, found a good job, rented a cool apartment, and bought her first new car! In six months she’ll be bored with the job, hate the cockroaches, and her Hyundai will leak oil. But now everything is big and new and wonderful. She feels that she’s “on a roll.” If a man walks into her life, she’ll think he’s another great part of her new life.

In contrast, a 34-year-old divorcée with two children, a house she’s lived in for six years, a car she’s driven for eight years, and a job she’s had for ten years will be harder to date. Dating disrupts her routine. The annoyance of the disruption overrules the possible enjoyment of a new romance.

To meet new people, create a transition point in your life.

Dancing for Dummies

I have a friend who’s a professional dancer. Women are in seventh heaven dancing with him. He leads so well that women who’ve never waltzed, hustled, or hip hopped are spinning around the dance floor. This is stereotyped gender role attraction at its best. He’s in the driver’s seat, she’s in the passenger seat, and the ride is fun.

But I can’t stand dance lessons. Most of the time I’m learning steps, i.e., dancing solo. When I dance with a partner I have to concentrate on the steps, not on connecting with my partner. If I connect with my partner, I forget the steps. This annoys her. Dance lessons make me look and feel stupid, and make me disconnect from my partner.

Women, in general, are better dancers and learn dances faster. Yet women expect men to lead them. This makes no sense until you consider the Great Male Hierarchy hardwired into our brains. Skilled dancers, and the women they danced with, created social dances. Social dances are intentionally difficult, so that women can easily separate the “alpha” males from the village idiots.

Men fantasize about winning the Superbowl, playing against other men. Women fantasize about winning dance competitions, led by a skilled, handsome, and romantic man (e.g., Dirty Dancing).

Try dance lessons. If you easily learn the steps and have fun, go for it. But if you’re like me, focus on connecting with your partner. Make eye contact. Then mirror your partner’s movements. Mothers and infants do this. It’s how toddlers play peek-a-boo. It’s hardwired into your brain. Mirroring makes two people emotionally connect.

At first, give your partner room. Don’t touch her. As you intuitively connect, the two of you will find moves that you enjoy. Dance closer, touch, and lead. Now you’re ready to ask a dance instructor to teach you spins and swings. Over time, you’ll become a skilled dancer. But, unlike dance lessons, the journey will bring you and your partner together.

Making a Date

Ask for a date directly. Don’t ask vague or indirect questions. Playing games invites the person to lie or play games.

Don’t accept a vague or indirect answer. E.g., you’re looking forward to an event. You ask a person out. The person says “maybe,” meaning “no.” You hear “maybe,” meaning yes. Two weeks later, you figure out that “maybe” meant “no.” But now it’s too late to ask anyone else out. If a person says “maybe,” or doesn’t return your call or e-mail, assume that the person means “no.” Ask someone else out.

If the person says “no,” thank him or her for the clear answer.

Telephone Numbers

• Ask for a telephone number or e-mail address.
• A man should offer his card, but shouldn’t expect a woman to call. A man should never give a work or voicemail number. This suggests that he’s married and trying to trick her.
• A woman concerned about her privacy or safety should rent a voicemail box, or give out her e-mail address.

Business Cards

• A man’s business card should communicate status. He should ask his supervisor to give him a more impressive job title. Or add a title given by a professional association. Or hire a graphic designer to create a beautiful card.
• A man should write his home telephone number on his business card when giving it to a woman. He should add his home address so she can drive by and see what his house looks like.

E-mail Addresses and Personal Websites

• Use an e-mail address that identifies your gender and age, e.g., “Ernie1959.” Build a personal website with information about yourself, your photo, etc. Put the URL in your e-mail signature. Your e-mail recipients can then read more about you.

Excuses to Ask Personal Info

• Take advantage of excuses to ask people about themselves. E.g., in a business class it’s appropriate to “network” with classmates: “And where does your husband work? Oh, you’re not married?”

How to Call

• If a woman gives a man her telephone number, he should call her the next day.
• He shouldn’t wait two days. If he hesitates, she’ll feel hurt and rejected.
• If you get her answering machine, read a romantic poem (e.g., a Shakespeare sonnet). Women love romantic poetry.

Dress for Sex

Men’s Clothes

Dress to communicate your gender. Masculine clothes have heavier fabrics. Colors are darker. Masculine clothes emphasize broad shoulders (e.g., epaulets), flat stomach (e.g., men’s shirts tuck into their pants), slim waist and hips, and muscled legs.

Boring, conservative clothes are masculine. Creative, attention-grabbing clothes are feminine. To attract women, wear normal clothes. Grey with a designer label is good. Don’t wear leather pants. Women assume that men who dress creatively are gay or mentally ill.

A beard hides your face. Religious patriarchs and department store Santa Clauses are playing a role and want you to see the mask, not the individual behind the mask. In contrast, businessmen and politicians don’t wear beards because hiding their faces makes them appear less trustworthy.

A full mustache communicates masculinity, dominance, and power. Its popularity varies between times and cultures-if you’re not Hispanic, gay, or living in the 1970s, consider shaving.

Women’s Clothes

Women’s clothes draw attention to their breasts, waist, and hips. Depending on whether adolescence or maturity is in fashion, women’s clothes either emphasize a flat stomach and thin legs, or make strong, sweeping curves to suggest fertility. Feminine clothes have lighter fabrics and brighter colors.

Play peek-a-boo to get men’s attention. Intentionally tear your jeans or sweaters, show a little cleavage, or wear a slit skirt. Sexy materials-leather, latex, spandex-play peek-a-boo by suggesting skin without showing skin.

Wear an accelerator and a brake. A pink t-shirt displaying “Playmate of the Year” in glittering letters is like a car with an accelerator but no brake. Men won’t hear “no.” Instead, wear a conservative skirt with sexy boots, or vice versa.

Women shouldn’t wear “trend of the minute” clothes. You’ll impress the people who read women’s fashion magazines-other women. Instead, wear “timeless” styles. Natural colors, patterns, and fabrics are timeless. Things not found in nature aren’t.

The Best Pick-Up Line

The best conversation-starter is to interpret how a woman’s clothes express her personality. Read The Language of Clothes, by Alison Lurie (2000), to interpret the colors, patterns, and styles of women’s and men’s clothes.

Then read Big Hair: A Journey into the Transformation of Self, by Grant McCracken (1996), to talk about her hairstyle. The chapter about blondes is worth the price of the book.

Dream Houses, Dream Relationships

Clothes are about flirting. Houses are about relationships. When you imagine your dream home, you also imagine your dream relationship. Creating your dream home may lead to your dream relationship. Conversely, living in a place that makes you unhappy will prevent you from forming happy relationships.

The most common home problem is commitment to the past, a.k.a. clutter. Clutter defines the old you. Donate your ex-self to Goodwill. Create space in your home for something new.

E.g., a woman’s home was dominated by her ex-husband’s piano. She couldn’t start relationships. When she got rid of the piano she immediately found a relationship. If you’re a man, communicate that you’re relationship material:

• Display pictures of your family-especially of you playing with your nieces and nephews.
• Green, healthy plants communicate that you’re capable of taking care of something.
• To make your living room communicate your personality, start by getting rid of the television. This will also give you time for a new relationship-Americans average four hours of television a day.
• A bed against a wall communicates that you intend to stay single. Create walking space on both sides of the bed.
• Women like clean bathrooms. Their sense of smell is better than men’s. If you’re incapable of keeping your house clean, just clean the bathroom. John Gray’s next book will be Mars and Venus in the Bathroom.
• Pizza, chips, and beer communicate “bachelor.” Fresh fruits show that you buy groceries more than once a month. Diet soft drinks, exotic coffees and teas, and low-fat ice cream show that you understand women.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

The concept of ‘nice’ keeps on changing from time to time. It is really worth mentioning that nice guys just like the sexy gals have more demand in reality…still, there is no hard and fast rule regarding this pre-conception. Making friendship or to end-up-with sexual action with the person from the opposite sex does not only depend upon the physical beauty or good behavior, but also relies largely on mental smartness and extreme urge for attaining your desired one.

From our common experience, we can say that a handsome guy can attract a young girl through his bright complexion, stylish hair, sharp eyes, muscular structure and several other features. Adding to all these, they do possess extra qualifications like smartness at the hour of requirement, ability to crack jokes at certain points to ward off monotony of life, sensuousness and most importantly, faithfulness in the core of hearts.

To evaluate whether a nice guy can end up making friendship or having sex, we need to segregate boys into two compartments: the first one who can successfully hook up and other one who can’t. It would be wrong if we come into the conclusion right now that a nice guy can always finish at last, it is definitely not true; on the other hand, if we mention that nice guy can not succeed at all, we are creating a misconception about the so called ‘nice guys’. So, to make it simple, there is no fixed rule, which can be applied to determine whether a nice guy comes at the end of the race. Still, we have an option wide open to discuss about the features that finishes at last.

There is no denying the fact that individual opinion cannot be taken granted as general; but to make a general opinion, fragmented individualized opinion have to be considered as a whole. Consider a blue-eyed boy with silky and spiky hair; when he opens his clothes, a stout feature comes out that reflects sinewy biceps and bony chest. Soothing smile added with mesmerizing stare compels every second person to fall in love…if these features are tinged with aesthetic dressing combination, they would become simply the heartthrob of any sexy girl. Style of expressing something, intellectuality and other mannerisms also earn attention of the loved ones. Style of walking, way of communication and last but not the least, his eagerness to make friendship with opposite sex is the criteria for coming up with flying colors in the game of dating.

Think of a boy with all the abovementioned features…do you think he would be able to capture attention of a girl at the first appearance? Probably YES and probably No!!! It may seem ridiculous, but is true to the deepest sense of the term. Actually, the power of catching attention of any new person does not only depend on the outward features, but also on the innate power. It is seen quite often that a man with ordinary looks can mould mind of a young girl through his power of communication, affability, openness and more. It is not that nice but shy guys will always come at the last in the race. But, it is happening to most of the nice guys…they meet women, but their extrovert friends take the cake away while they remain standing at the corner on their own, wondering ‘why the girls don’t look at me when they pass by?’ It is quite simple really…men are generally physically stronger than women and usually performs the job of earning money for the rest of the family. A smart and ebullient guy ooze confidence like no nice shy guy does and that attract the women to go for making love with them. Women get attracted to opposite sex due to ‘cockyness’ and dominating nature and then breaks up for the same reason and then repeats this cycle with another man. The thing is that women rarely comes out of their cocoon and advances for making love; but men have to take the initiative just like the matchstick is essential for creating great fire. This is why nice shy guy come last in the event of making love.

So, nice-guys will have to come forward leaving behind the tears of self-loathing and getting over their shyness. They are required to do something on their own. Prepare yourself for the right time and place, flash killing glances when any young girl stares at you and do not hesitate to interact with her. Keep your relationship growing through proper communication, know her likes and dislikes, and propose to carry your association for long. You can get two answers in turn – she might have fallen in love or may show unwillingness to continue. If she agrees with your proposal, carry on making love and enjoy the rest of your life; but if she denies your proposal, try your luck for another girl. Don’t be disheartened at all!

It will definitely work for you by getting turned down once in a while. Your key phrase should be like this…”getting hurt is much better than regretting for not taking any action on my own.”

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

On-the-job clashes took the romance out of our relationship until talk of divorce scared us into separating business from pleasure.

Years ago, my husband, Lee and I decided to open our own hair-styling salon, allowing us more time together, plus permitting me space to write in my spare time. “It won’t work,” warned naysayers. We laughed. No way, Jose. Don’t rain on our parade!

Yet, we’d only begun to set up the salon when we began to tussle over details like where to hang mirrors and pricey vs, non-pricey furniture for the waiting area?

Then, the biggie . . . “Who’s the boss?” Lee’s bossiness didn’t set well with the new partner–me! And he didn’t know how to handle this new businesswoman wife who stood up to him. And Lordy, listening to his same old jokes all day. Needless to say, by the time we got home, we were barely civil to each other.

Despite that, our salon flourished. But-as business partners. We no longer felt like husband and wife. One day things got so heated that one of us blurted, “Let’s just go see a lawyer.”

The truth? Neither of us wanted a divorce. Just raising the issue inspired us to make changes that would save our marriage and business.

SIX STEPS TO MAKING IT WORK:

1. SET YOUR ROLES

Define your roles within the business, ones that you both agree that you can live with. In our case, we decided to not have an actual “boss.” Rather, we began to negotiate the how and whys of issues, coming to a solution we both approved. Compromise was an ongoing exercise.

2. TIME APART

Once we realized what was happening, we agreed upon taking separate days off and when free, each taking time out for a trip to the Supermarket or an hour at the golf driving range. That way, we weren’t constantly joined at the hip, thus reducing the probability for annoyance. It freed me from feeling “being watched” and it gave Lee the experience of trusting me to make wise decisions. He recognized the tiny strain of controller in himself and backed off. As a result, we began to look forward to and value our times together more.

3. COMPARTMENTALIZE

This was crucial in our marital/business relationship. When we left work, we started leaving it all behind. When we got home, we basked in our haven. We stopped talking shop at home. At work, we gave it our all. We were a team, reassuring one another during rough spots that “we’ll work it out.”

4. MUTUAL RESPECT

Immediately, we became business associates, requiring utmost respect for one another’s opinions and procedures. When necessary, we switched roles from that of “husband and wife” to that of “business partners,” and vice-versa. During business negotiations, this freed us from preconceived stereotypical spousal reactions.

5. SCHEDULE ROMANTIC DATES

During these dates, our policy was “no business talk.” We went all out, dressing up, babysitters, and even getaway weekends without the children. Other times, we did unique things with the children, like going to Dollywood at Christmas time, making “family time” special.

6. SCHEDULE REGULAR BUSINESS MEETINGS

These were necessary to redefine our roles (that we’d previously set) and clear the air of gripes that would build up during working hours. It also gave us the opportunity to give each other positive feedback and encouragement.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

My mother always said that the best parents are lazy parents. Her theory, as I understood it, was that lazy parents don’t jump up every time their kids need something so that children learn to entertain themselves, enjoy themselves, and become more independent. In couples, lazy parents, theoretically, have more time for each other because their children learn, maybe by the time they are 25, not to interrupt them when they are together. Of course, a lazy parent may also be too lazy to spend the time making the marriage work better. While I would never recommend neglecting a newborn in hopes of improving character, I am going to talk about ways to support your marriage that may substitute a tiny bit for time with your child. I am writing this as an antidote to all the literature on how to be the perfect parent. The current high standards for parenting lead to low standards for marriage. The irony is that having a healthy marriage is one of the greatest gifts for your children and yourself. While there are a few people that are so self-involved they shouldn’t have kids, that isn’t the majority of modern parents. Most couples need to keep kids from completely overwhelming the little love rituals and routines they once shared. Encouraging your child’s independence to create time for yourself and your partner is an art that can start very early and evolves with the ages and stages of your child.

Finding alone time: Even though finding time is challenging, parents need to continue to find a way to “park the kids” safely and turn toward each other. No matter how established the marriage, talk time remains critical to long-term happiness in the marriage. Many women have very clear rituals around talking to their children after school or at dinner that they are loath to interrupt. They can see how the kids deteriorate without this contact. Yet they have no such connection to their spouse and may not see the immediate impact of missing time with their partner.

When I first read about couples needing daily 15-20 minute talk times I was astounded. The very idea of having time to chat together, uninterrupted, seemed like a fairytale. One, not-too-happily-but-long-married friend of mine flatly told me regular talk time was impossible given real people’s hectic schedules. Although she could tell me when she talked to her own kids every day, she believed that real couples would need to find and agree on a new time each day. I thought to myself, if you are too busy to make a regular time to talk, wouldn’t you be much too busy to agree on a talk time every day?

When couples are courting, making time together to talk is given careful attention. Before you have children, the idea that you would lose your connection seems strange, even impossible. If you tell someone without kids that couples that actually talk 15 minutes a day are rare and special, they will think you are unrealistically pessimistic. However, married people with kids think you are special if you do talk 15 minutes regularly. Yet, in truth, I have met couples that snuggle in bed for 20 minutes after the alarm goes off, or have a cup of coffee or tea together after dinner, or always talk before or after a late night show. Or call each other at lunch. They are a lot happier. Their kids see themselves as safe from divorce. Couples, who connect routinely, see habitual time together as reassuring rather than rigid.

As soon as your kids are old enough, ask them to help support you in this time by not interrupting. Kids can understand that every Sunday morning is Mom and Dad’s time. Or the time before 7 am is off limits. They will respect it if you are consistent, especially if they understand they have a time each day that is theirs.

Creating uninterrupted time for each family dyad, even if it is once a week and not daily, develops the communication bond. Like parents, kids who get this brief daily one-on-one attention are easier to live with and experience a healthy relationship and connection to family. They will also support your time with each other more readily.

My friend Marni commented, “My kids love to see me get all dressed up on date night. They help me pick out my shoes and lipstick. I think it is great that they see the romance of getting ready for the date–even when they sometimes whine a little that they would like to come too. I like that they are fascinated by this other side of Mom and Dad that they don’t share.”

Likewise, I like that my kids know that Neil and I are going to talk over some family problem together before we set rules and consequences. Sometimes waiting to see the outcome of our meeting is nerve-wracking for the kids but as they wait they get to think over for themselves what we might decide about the issue. They know if we disagree, Neil gets the last word on issues relating to their athletics and I get the final vote on school matters. On money we use consensus decisions. Everybody has to say yes. We laugh because when we get in a heated exchange, one or the other child is likely to ask us to either go have a meeting or take a timeout, using our own advice on us. Watching us solve problems prepares them to participate in family meetings and solve problems themselves.

It’s never too late. Instituting agreed upon dates and ritual times for talk, sex and cuddling soon begins to change feelings of abandonment and erosion of love in a marriage. Fortunately, it is never too late to start your rituals even when the marriage feels dead or divorce looms. The habits, love rituals and positive experiences you create will either insulate your marriage from problems, or if absent, they will leave your marriage vulnerable to the natural erosion that the stress of negotiating many new needs that kids bring.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

We are in week 2 of the silent treatment! It all started over something little and ridiculous! We are both adults, old enough to know better than this! He is a judge, I am a social worker! He won’t budge! I need help!
Jodie

The dreaded silent treatment. The big stand-off. Horrible, isn’t it?

The most intense prayers in a household come during these silent treatments: “Oh God, I hope that’s not him/her pulling into the driveway.”

Or, “Oh God, when will he/she go upstairs already?”

Sometimes you feel like you could explode, right?

Most silent treatments start like Jodie’s started; with something “little and ridiculous.” Most couples can’t remember what the impetus was. And if they could, they’d be too embarrassed to admit that something so small blew-up into something so big.

So what are these silent treatments or stand-offs REALLY about? And how can you avoid them or end them soon after they begin?

It’s interesting that Jodie made a point in her email to say that she and her husband “know better.” In other words, they’re intelligent, educated, and accomplished people. Jodie’s husband is even a judge, an expert in distinguishing between right and wrong. They know that treating each other this way doesn’t make sense. They know IT is wrong. But they also know that THEY are right.

And that’s exactly the problem!

Silent treatments ensue when both people feel they’re RIGHT. And the more intense each spouse’s conviction to their perspective, the longer the silence lasts. And, ironically, the more intelligent and the articulate the couple, the MORE LIKELY they are to endure silence between them, because intelligent and articulate people have confidence in their position and justification for holding their ground.

Although Jodie is surprised that her and her husband, intelligent people, could be so petty, the fact is that one reason they’re holding their silence for so long is BECAUSE they’re intelligent. In other words, intellectual capacity and marital satisfaction can be INVERSELY related. Let me say it another way: When it comes to your marriage, you can be right or you can be happy. But sometimes you can’t be both.

In a courtroom, a hospital, or an office, right and wrong determine success or failure. The decision to prescribe the right medicine, for example, could be the difference between life and death. The relationship between the doctor and the patient is secondary. Being RIGHT is what matters and what is rewarded.

But in marriage, being right has no value. All that matters is the relationship.

Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?

Just because you’re “right/wrong” paradigm works at the office doesn’t mean that you should bring it home. “He who is a hammer thinks everything is a nail.” Some things work perfectly in one area of life and fail terribly in another. In marriage, you have to be like a carpenter and know which tool to use. The right/wrong mode is the WRONG tool to use in your marriage.

The more you insist on being RIGHT, the more you will be miserable in your marriage. Don’t go for RIGHT; go for LOVE.

Jodie expects that because she and her husband are “intelligent,” they shouldn’t find themselves in these petty stalemates. But just because Jodie and her husband have a high IQ, doesn’t mean they have a high EQ.

IQ is a measure of your INTELLECTUAL intelligence. The higher your IQ, the better your ability to process information and determine what’s “right.”

EQ is a measure of your EMOTIONAL intelligence. The higher your EQ, the better your ability to connect with people and succeed in relationships.

Just as some athletes are strong but not fast, so do many people have a high IQ but a low EQ.

Bottom line: Intelligence, in the way Jodie means it, has little bearing on her and her husband’s ability to succeed in their marriage. In fact, a high IQ coupled with a low EQ can be a disastrous combination for a marriage.

The good news, however, is that EQ can be developed. Anyone can increase their EQ and learn to make their marriage RIGHT.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites